Hey alright, shit man well I'm going to try something new tonight, which is what the missus said to me as she strapped on a dildo of dizzying proportions and entered me like a bank robber high on ketamine and blood lust, so if you see me limping towards the bar to get my nightly dose of poison spare a thought a thought to a man whose world have changed for ever. I expect to have flashbacks for the rest of my life, never mind its good to broaden your horizons, is what she said as she filled my reluctant rectum to bursting point, at one point I think I started to hallucinate, I saw those identical twins from the shining in the corner of the room eating hot dogs as they laughed in Japanese, it's rather curious to me why my tortured brain should conjure such an image, brain chemistry altered by blunt force trauma probably. Weddings vows never mentioned these kind of things do they? Actually it would be quite entertaining if they did, do you Scott Michael take Fifi Fucking Trixibelle to bum you? My wedding vows were hand written by a gifted yet troubled rent collector from Stuttgart, of course it was in German and useless but hey he's a nice guy, his grandfather didn't gas that many people regardless of what the papers say, he tried but he was a raging alcoholic and never turned up for work, once he and his mates broke in after lights out and put traffic cones of the heads of the fattest Jew they could find. There weren't many of course but they were fucking wasted man and it's the thought that counts right? Regrettable family members is a common theme through history and Jesus man I have some beauties, the auntie that never and I mean never swallows what I give her for fear of contamination, the brother in law that thinks that an African Clawed Frog has stolen his ability to use a microwave when it's raining, my beloved brother bless him in all his endeavours has the unfortunate habit of pissing on people, it is one of the wonders of the world to see him piss in the face of complete strangers as he sings rugby songs, I have tried to get him to post something on youtube but he is reluctant, it doesn't help that he has a cock of a bashful Lungfish but we live in hope don't we?
As a change of pace, I'd like to read this to you
THE MINER
She smelled of perfume and lady sweat,
of coconut oil and sunshine, these are
the things I remember of her while
she is away, working at the mineface
of tribulation. All this she does so I
can pursue my dream, a foolhardy dream
that has preoccupied me since I was
old enough to hold the tools of my trade,
these hands of mine are blessed with brilliance,
bathed in the light of inspiration. But lately I
have terrible dreams that dam the flow of articulation
and my soul is saddened, what was once
a fiercely burning desire is now a ruse, a scam.
Nothing excites me, the sight of her naked
flesh only hints at the sagging yet to come,
that her supple flesh doomed to ashes and
mine with it, hope is just a word, my
feelings belong to another, thoughts, voices,
they plague my waking slumber that some
derisively call life. I fear the worst is yet to
come, help me, won't somebody help me?
Before it's too late and madness engulfs
me completely.
There that's better, it hurts my feeble and childish mind to store these thoughts, the words swirl and breed until only God himself can sort out the mess in my mind. I remember one occasion when I believed that I had alien hand syndrome, for those of you not familiar with its an unusual neurological disorder in which one of the sufferer's hands seems to take on a mind of its own and all kind of crazy shit was going on man, grabbing tits and asses, hurling my shit at buses and constantly wanking but then I realised that it was just the puppet master that is more commonly know as God pulling my strings, I cut the strings and peace was returned to my life. The old bastard still plays tricks on me, yeah, I married her. She's just as bad as I am, once she was convinced that telepathic birds were planning to get her mind pregnant, Jesus woman I told, your seven kinds of crazy. She nearly set fire to our bed, with me still in it just because the post man didn't smile when she saw him in Tesco's, the drugs don't help but without them she's fucked, anyway I love her and that the end of it.
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